<Thor 2 Dark World premiere – Leicester Sq. – Nov. 2013>
Short film about two people
Who sit outside a Soho cafe
About making a film…
<Cut to 30 years later>
– – – – – – – –
I’m going to make a film, doncha know!
Oh yes oh yes – what’s it about?
Well i’m going to mix a bit of Scorsese with a bit of Tarantino and pop in a bit of George Lucas.
Har har har oh yes?
Yes yes yes!
What’s it going to be about?
Well – a gangsters drug war in space obviously!
Of course – pure genius…
<they clink perfect coffee cups>
<cut to 30 years later>
<both now old and wrinkled, long grey tatty beards on them both>
How’s that Scorsese Taran… Taran… teeeeennnnuuhhhh…
Yes – film – coming along…
Oh er i…i er – someone washed my tea cup… Where’s my teacup?
What? Has the film changed? – is it about a tea cup now?
– no no – i wandered off… i was thinking about my washing up…
No – i figured out the location the other day… i could shoot it…
zzzzzzzz…. <nods off>
Shoot it…? – shoot… it… ? – SHOOT IT…!?!
<Tom wakes up>
… a… a… at night so it looks like it’s in space…
Because it doesn’t look like you’re in space if you shoot it in the day time…
Yeees… shoot it at night… zzz…
<TOM nods off again>
<suddenly roused as if caught in a loop and his memory is repeating>
<wakes up again>
What? – is it breakfast?
– – –
– – –
Look over there grab
Fishing hook grab
Hooker special grab
Breasts squeeze / runaway grab
Nostril torture grab
Nipple twist grab
Baby decoy grab
Old granny fallen over grab
1 minute silence grab
Through the back seat of your car grab
Swimming pool grab
Italian restaurant grab (wild gesticulations of waiter as decoy)
Kitchen grab (phone is taken while victim has hands messy)
Robot goes crazy on ISS – (International Space Station) – due to impact of unknown nanotech dust on solar nacelles… Robot addicted to hydroponics – fuels massive growth of plants and plans to re-seed the Earth with vegetable life… shoots nano-veggies at moon which turns into giant plant octopus – reaching out to colonise Earth! – giant green-fly are created to stem the plant… the greenfly go mad! – giant ladybirds (SPACE LADYBIRDS!!!) are introduced to stop the manic green-fly!!! – on and on… giant yellow-tits are created to eat the lady-birds… cats… dogs… lions… elephants… whales… space whales… as absurd as ‘turtles’!!! – SPACE WHALES!!! Fighting for truth and justice and SPACE SPERM!!! Blue, Sperm, Killer, Narwhal – etc. family of whales – some good – some bad…
Anyway – the Killer robot on ISS – it’s a comedy – Russian / Chinese / USA / UK / French / Italian astro-scientists have to band together to stop the robot… <Alien overtones / crossed with 2001> … Italian is killed by robot slowly inserting a screwdriver up his ass…
Astronomer finds that stars are shifting and no-one else can see it… Finds parallel in ancient maps – time of reckoning where aliens come and show mankind the way forward… he finds the maps in 3 parallel places on the Earth’s surface – North Africa – North America – China… all in ancient towers / minarets… the arrival of the aliens involves wiping out most of the population and instilling the remainder with new bodies and thoughts… it turns out that they return every 3000 years to see how their ‘experiment’ is doing… before wiping out the mis-experiments and covering over any evidence of ‘civilization’ or advancement they have made… the Astronomer tries to find a way to stop them – all three towers have to be destroyed – as together they form a beacon which guides the interstellar craft of the aliens to the Earth… the Astronomer is just about to destroy the last tower when the aliens arrive… they decide not to destroy him (her?) and mankind out of respect for them finding the truth… they leave… but wipe out Russia for a laugh on their way out of orbit…